


//FINESHRINE//

by Authoress



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: 2nd Person - Shinji, 3rd Person - Kaworu, Angst, Animeverse AU, Attempted Murder, Body Horror, Death, Gore, M/M, Mental Breakdown/Psychotic Break, OOC for obvious reasons, Psychological Trauma, Self-Harm, Suicide, Time Loop, Violence, don't be fooled by the first chapter, fourth chapter is actually a fanmix bc im a sucker for music, im so sorry for writing this, there are no happy endings in Eva, this was only suppose to be 8000 words but i lost control oops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-05
Updated: 2014-07-06
Packaged: 2017-12-13 06:55:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/821344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Authoress/pseuds/Authoress
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You feel a tremor within your very soul. Although his mouth says that you've only just met, his eyes speak of years' worth of history between the two of you. You are swallowed in by the curve of his lips, stripped bare to the bone by the intensity of his stare.</p><p>This, you think, is what it means to feel.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. got an angel sleepin in my pocket

**Author's Note:**

> warnings DO NOT apply to the first chapter

You don't particularly mean to, but you tend to be overwhelmed quite easily.  
  
Unit 01, when you saw her for the first time, was an anomaly beyond all imagination. The sleek, reflective curves of her massive body left you feeling tiny and defenseless. Never before had you felt so insignificant (and in a way, that made sense. Unit 01 was Father's creation, and Father had always made you feel worthless). Her very existence changed your perspective on your father's work, on NERV, on the capability of human beings. The stench of LCL burned your nose and the sounds and vibrations of machinery humming to life in preparation for launch flooded your senses. And then, of all things, they asked you to pilot Unit 01.  
  
You balked instinctively. Any human would be understandably overwhelmed and in denial, as you were. But NERV did not deal with rational human beings, apparently, since you--still very much in shock--were manipulated into piloting Unit 01. The experience was too much for someone with a paper thin psyche, not that you knew it at the time. Piloting destroyed any inner peace and sanity that you had been struggling to hold on to. Unit 01 pulled some feral strength out of you that you didn't know you had, while at the same time disassembling your entire self piece by piece.  
  
Ever since that day, you've become more inclined to feel overwhelmed by situations both large and small. Learning about the Angels. Touji's fury, when you first met. NERV's very existence. The dummy system. Rei's impossible disposition. Asuka, all of Asuka. You even found yourself about to burst into tears that time when the SDAT player wouldn't turn on for half an hour and you swore it was a goner. In particular, you seem to have issues with the other pilots and all the emotional complications that come with them. You’ve always been afraid to form relationships and get close to people--ha. Despite this internal declaration, you've bonded with Asuka and Rei, Touji and Kensuke. Misato.  
  
The outcome was exactly how you'd predicted--you suffered through the people you became close to. Rei died, only to be replaced by another carbon copy. Asuka barely evaded the psychic attack of the most recent Angel, leaving her confused and conflicted over piloting for weeks (she took her frustration out on you, and the two of you fought like animals until she pulled herself together again). Misato, desperately trying to be a friend, a mother, and a superior to you, all at the same time. Touji and the catastrophe with Unit 03...Kensuke hasn't spoken to you since then. You think he's left town, probably for good. It's kept you up late at night--the thought that maybe the good times don't outweigh the bad, and maybe you shouldn't have even tried caring at all.  
  
It's fair to say you're less than thrilled when Misato summons the three of you to the main control room to announce that the Fifth Child will be arriving tomorrow. You suppress a sigh and slide your gaze to the side, in Asuka's general direction, mind already at work. Will this new pilot be fierce and wild like Asuka? Silent and emotionless like Rei? Unwilling and uncomfortable like yourself? ...Too weak and incompetent, like Touji was?  
  
Asuka, at least, seems interested.  
  
"Why do we need yet another pilot, Misato? The Fourth Child was such a disaster! If those two idiots aren't doing a good enough job, I can pick up their slack. A new pilot will just be troublesome."  
  
Misato calmly and patiently explains that this pilot is SEELE's child, a pilot procured by NERV's higher ups, but you can see the calculating gleam in Asuka's eyes. She's gauging multiple scenarios in her head, figuring out how to stay on top and how to deal with competition, if it comes to that. Misato no longer holds her attention--it belongs to the shadowy silhouette that she is attempting to give shape to in her mind. Rei, unsurprisingly, shows only acceptance on her face. You feel a wave of bitterness at this. _Your_ Rei would have at least spoken.  
  
The three of you are dismissed shortly after, to return to any prior engagements, not that you had any. Japan is quiet for once, with the sudden dearth of Angel attacks. The girls have been restless--NERV has never before gone this long without a single glimpse of an Angel. The thought is depressing, but you and the other pilots have found little to do outside of piloting and school work. For the past few weeks, all you have been called in for are the routine synch tests, and even the homework load from school has dwindled. As such, you lack means of entertainment.  
  
Asuka has taken up the pastime of loudly complaining about how bored she is, in addition to getting into your business and under Kaji's feet. Even Rei has been more visible. Rather than lock herself up in her tiny apartment, she's been wandering through school and headquarters; no doubt just as bored as you and Asuka are. At least you have cello to distract you, though you're quite rusty from lack of practice.  
  
You were planning to put in a few hours of practice today as well, but with the announcement of the Fifth Child, you're suddenly more tired than you can deal with. Collapsing in your room sounds like a good plan, and upon returning to your shared apartment, you do so without a second thought. You fall asleep with your SDAT player still on, trying not to dread the events of tomorrow.  
  
\----  
  
Misato checks in on you long after you've passed out. You don't see the worried frown that crosses her face briefly before being replaced with a tired, blank look. She shuts the door quieter than is necessary on her way out.  
  
\----  
  
The atmosphere the following morning is charged with nervous energy. Misato's already left to pick up the Fifth Child, which is fine, you think. Neither you nor Asuka are in the mood for breakfast. Asuka's tearing at the edge of the table with her nails, an intense look carved into her face. She probably doesn't even realize what she's doing. You are curling and uncurling your toes in uncertainty, resisting the urge to fidget. Touji's close call is still an open wound in your mind. You let out a shaky sigh. You don't know who this new pilot is, but you can only pray that he or she is more like Asuka than any of the other pilots.  
  
Asuka jerks to a halt in her picking, huffs, and drags you out of your seat and through the hallway, making a beeline for the door. She's fed up with waiting. You don't protest--this much is normal at least, and you were anxious to leave, too. There is no conversation between the two of you on the way to headquarters, although your minds are occupied by the same thoughts. When you pass through into NERV, Rei is waiting with Misato, but you can't see any third person accompanying them. Misato is most definitely displeased--her eyes are sharp and unfriendly, her posture stiff.  
  
Asuka makes the same conclusion as you do. "Huh, that dumbass can't even be bothered to show up on ti--"  
  
"Sorry to keep you waiting. SEELE makes a habit of yanking NERV's chain, I'm afraid. I apologize for any inconvenience their petty actions may have caused you."  
  
The voice comes from behind you, and you waste no time in flipping around to set eyes on the person who could only be the Fifth Child. You start a little, surprised by what you see. Asuka is right there with you, straightening her back and narrowing her eyes in speculation, sizing up the newcomer. You can't quite get past his striking appearance.  
  
Although you knew males could be selected as pilots, you surprise yourself by realizing you expected a girl. The boy in front of you is slim and elegant, but far from feminine. And although his words were clearly directed at Misato, he hasn't broken eye contact with you since you turned.  
  
You're slow to take in his appearance, but it's apparent that he's stunningly gorgeous. He's all light tones, from the milky white of his skin to the ash grey strands of his hair. Only his eyes are dark, but you can't quite place the color.  He moves towards your group with slow, light steps, taking in his new associates without removing his eyes from yours. It's silly, but you feel as if he's walking towards you and you alone. You don't know how to feel about that.  
  
"Ah, so you're the Fifth Child? Can't say I expected any less of SEELE, taking their goddamn sweet time. I won't hold it against you." Misato breaks the sudden silence. Asuka looks torn between snapping something at the Fifth Child or continuing her assessment. She thankfully chooses the second.  
  
The boy gives a slight but very warm smile. "Yes. I am Kaworu. Nagisa Kaworu." --he's still staring at you, and you begin to fidget, eyes darting.  
  
"Ikari Shinji. I've been looking forward to meeting you."  
  
Your eyes snap to meet his. How could he...how could he have known your name? You are absolutely positive that the two of you have never met before. The question, however, is wiped from your mind when you make eye contact, and suddenly, you find that you are certain of nothing.  
  
Oh. You didn't realize they were red. You expected an odd shade of brown at most, but not this deep shade of red, darker than the ocean. When coupled with the determination to keep your eyes locked...  
  
You feel a tremor within your very soul. Although his mouth says that you've only just met, his eyes speak of years' worth of history between the two of you. You are swallowed in by the curve of his lips, stripped bare to the bone by the intensity of his stare.  
  
This, you think, is what it means to feel.

  
 _To feel embarrassed, you mean,_ your mind supplies unhelpfully, and you can literally feel the burn of a blush spreading from ear to ear. Asuka coughs loudly, and you realize, much to your horror, that you have not yet replied to Nagisa. It’s like you’ve all of a sudden forgotten how to speak, as you fumble to say _something_ coherent, no matter how stupid. You can hear Misato struggling to bite back a laugh when you blurt out a reply.

  
“I-It’s a pleasure to meet you, Nagisa. I hope you enjoy your time with us.”

  
 _What am I even saying,_ you think. _Enjoy yourself? This is an underground fortress with nothing to do but pilot Eva._

  
Nagisa’s eyes, however, do not show any traces of impatience or cruelty towards such an awkward answer. If anything, his eyes do a cute crinkly thing as his smile widens, and you nearly choke on your own spit. His voice is a purr when he next speaks.

  
“Thank you, I believe I will. And please, call me Kaworu.”

  
Ugh. You shiver as your cheeks catch fire yet again. Who is this boy, this boy who walks into your life and not a minute later strikes you speechless with his gently spoken words? Nagi—no, Kaworu. Kaworu is the biggest anomaly to step into your life since Unit 01. Part of you is screaming _run away, quick it's dangerous_ , but another, quieter part of you is whispering _what if_. He's altogether too much, but you are drawn in regardless. On a first name basis so soon? You feel a warm flicker of courage rise in your stomach and you’re already speaking before you can second-guess yourself.

  
“Call me Shinji, then.”

  
Kaworu dips his head. “All right then, Shinji.”

  
Asuka makes a retching sound off to your right. You start a little, having forgotten the presence of the other girls. You glance over at her, but any words you would have spoken die in your throat once you see her eye roll. A look back at Misato confirms your theory—you are going to get so much crap for this when you get home.

  
Misato, wary of your silent flailing, comes to your rescue. “O-kay, then. Introductions. I’m Katsuragi Misato, but just Misato is fine. These kiddos are Ayanami Rei, Asuka Langley Soryuu…and I guess you already know Shinji, huh.” She winks at Kaworu, and you actually want to die. Rei bows respectively but remains silent, and Asuka scoffs, returning to her slouched posture.  
  
She sighs, as loudly and obnoxiously as possible. “Well this was uneventful. Does HQ have anything they want us for, or are we free to leave? I'm meeting up with Hikari in a few hours.” Misato shakes her head in the negative.  
  
“Nope. You are free to go. I’m just going to be taking Kaworu around, show him the ropes, blah blah, official stuff. He _does_ need to get a feel for the facility after all, if he’s gonna be any use during an Angel attack. Come with me, Kaworu?”  
  
Kaworu nods, and shoots one last glance in your direction before following Misato’s already retreating form. When he passes you, you swear you feel his hand brush your elbow. Asuka snorts at the sudden tenseness in your body.  
  
“Come on, idiot.” She takes off with long, brisk strides. Rei has managed to disappear, too. You follow Asuka, steadily not glancing back. You kind of feel like someone’s taken a hammer to your composure, and right now, sitting down and staring at a wall for a few hours seems like a good idea. Your hope is quickly shattered however, when Asuka returns to your side with a hissed, “Oh, and don’t think I let that whole…encounter…slip past me. You're gonna start talking, soon as we get home.”  
  
You let out an internal moan of pure suffering and accept the inevitable.

  
\----

  
 _Kaworu had forgotten what it felt like to have Shinji’s attention focused solely on him. He revels in the memory of the bright blush on Shinji’s face, the soft, hesitant words, and puzzled fascination over Kaworu himself._ Confused attraction, _Kaworu thinks, remembering his past lives. The first meeting never got old, no matter how many time loops he went through. These particular loops were his favorite, the ones where he came to NERV before the Third Impact. Shinji wasn’t as broken yet, hadn’t completely lost all hope. They only had short, fleeting moments together, and their coexistence never lasted more than a few days, but these loops were full of a tenderness not present in the loops that took place post-Third Impact._  
  
 _“Are you alright back there?” Misato asks, and Kaworu realizes that he's been so deep in thought, he's fallen behind. He picks up his pace a little, falling into step beside Misato once again._  
  
 _“Ah, I’m fine. A little lost in thought, that’s all,” he replies easily. Misato shoots him a knowing grin._  
  
 _“Be careful with little Shinji, got it?” Her tone is light and teasing, but Kaworu senses the sincere concern behind her playful words and returns her smile._  
  
 _“I will.”_  
  
 _She laughs, satisfied, and returns her gaze to the path ahead of them, beginning to explain the layout of NERV that he already knows by heart. Kaworu feels bitterness rise in his chest, like bile, and he drops his eyes to the floor. His smile falls, and he is filled with a soul-deep pang of self-loathing._  
  
I will try.

  
\----

  
Two days have passed since Kaworu arrived, and you are practically crawling up the walls in desperation. You physically cannot spend any more time cooped up with Misato and Asuka. Ever since that fateful meeting, they’ve interrogated you and teased you nonstop. Kaworu this, and Kaworu that. You’ve known the guy for all of five minutes, and yet your roommates act as if you two have been in a committed relationship for years. Pen-Pen has been absolutely no help either, not that you were expecting any. It’s gotten to the point where you are willing to run out and do errands, even going on detours so that getting home takes longer. Thank god the sync tests are today--anything to get you out of the house and separated from the two lunatics living with you, even if it’s an Eva-related distraction.  
  
For once, you are the first out of the apartment, surprising both Misato and Asuka. You put some distance between yourself and the two of them before slowing to a normal pace. The walk to NERV is much shorter than you remembered it being, aided by the fear of the two females behind you. Once you arrive at headquarters, you make short work of snatching up your plug suit and booking it to the changing room. The faster you get in the plug, the faster you avoid any unnecessary comments. You're actually a bit out of breath when you pull open the door and step inside, not really paying attention to your surroundings. It’s a big mistake, you find, upon actually looking around only to find Kaworu standing right in front of you, in the process of pulling on his plug suit.  
  
“Wh-AGGHHH!” You sputter intelligently, stumbling backwards and dropping your own plug suit in the process. _Oh, right_. Kaworu is a pilot too. It shouldn’t be a surprise that he would be changing like the rest of you, but you, master of keeping calm and collected, seem to have forgotten that. The fact that you continually embarrass yourself in front of the new pilot is a depressing indicator of how your relationship will proceed. Somehow, he appears not to have heard your outburst (although you know that’s impossible), continuing to change into his plugsuit.  
  
Said suit is pulled up a little past his waist, but you notice he’s still wearing his shirt, for some reason. As if in response to your thought, he wastes no time in pulling off his shirt with obvious disregard for your presence. You momentarily consider looking away, or moving to a different changing area to give him some privacy, but that thought flies out the window once you catch a glimpse of the taut lines of his back.  
  
Kaworu is slim in appearance, but he is not lacking in muscle definition. As he tosses his shirt to the side, you almost sigh, watching the ripple of his back muscles. You can hardly tell from his position, but you’re sure that he has defined chest and abdominal muscles as well and _oh my god his plugsuit is actually resting in a way that you can see the dips in his lower back oh god oh god_. You screw your eyes shut, feeling like a pervert, waiting for him to turn on you angrily. Nothing happens, though, and when you crack an eye open, you see he has pulled his suit all the way up and is making minor adjustments for comfort. He presses the decompression button on his suit, and with a puff of air, it becomes form fitting. The slight breeze ruffles his hair, and while you are temporarily mesmerized by it, you catch him glancing back at you with only the slightest turn of his head.  
  
Kaworu looks mildly amused, but there’s a darker, emotional edge to it that sends shivers down your spine. He doesn’t say anything to you, but throws his clothes into a locker and then turns to walk out the door. He brushes past you so close, it could only be intentional. The door swings shut behind him, and you are left one part stunned and three parts confused. You take a few mechanical steps forward and then collapse on the floor, completely at a loss. You lie there until Asuka stumbles upon you and screams, "accidentally" kicking you in surprise and prompting you to actually change into your plugsuit. The two of you take very little time changing, and arrive at the testing area completely frazzled for different reasons.  
  
Thankfully, Kaworu is already submerged in the plug, therefore eliminating any chance of yet another awkward encounter. Rei, of course, being the first to arrive, is under as well.  
  
The sync test itself is rather uneventful, if a little tiring. You finish up quickly—as does Asuka—but Rei stays submerged under Commander Ikari's orders and Kaworu has a few extra tests to run. You and Asuka slip into your normal clothes without talking. She leaves before you, no doubt in a hurry to meet up with Hikari for a study session (of benefit to Hikari, not Asuka herself).  
  
You exit the changing room a few minutes later. You realize, much to your annoyance, that because of this test, your cello practice has been thrown off schedule. It's too late tonight, but you figure tomorrow morning might be a good time to squeeze in some practice, if Asuka doesn't toss you out of the apartment first for interrupting her beauty sleep.  
  
Your thoughts almost distract you from the big window in the changing room hall that opens onto the sync test area. You intend to walk past as usual, but something stops you.  
  
Or rather, someone stops you.  
  
 _It's Kaworu's first sync test,_ you think. _He might be a little worn out, or maybe confused as to what he should do next. Maybe he dislikes the smell of LCL as much as I do, and wants to take a shower. With...with me._  
  
The last thought is ridiculously and unnecessarily intimate, and you immediately disregard it. Nevertheless, your feet refuse to take you out the exit and towards your shared apartment, but rather out past the sync test entrance area and no further. You rock back and forth on your heels, debating whether or not to just leave. You finally settle on not, and sit down on a bench, pretending like you aren't waiting for a certain someone to finish up their sync test. You doubt you'd fool anyone, what with the constant glancing at the automatic doors and fidgeting. Honestly, you thought you'd gotten rid of the habit.  
  
It isn't even ten minutes later when the doors open and Kaworu steps out, fully dressed. He has an amused, if slightly surprised expression on his face. He walks toward you with a confidence you can't help but envy, hands in his pockets, like he has no idea his presence is making your stomach flip. Granted, he probably doesn't, but your stomach _is_ flipping and he looks so impossibly strong and in control.  
  
"You were waiting for me?" Kaworu's voice has a note of surprise in it.

  
Panic flutters in your chest _. Oh god what if this is a mistake it has to be no one this magnificent should deign to speak to me I am nothing he has no reason to treat me well…_

  
“Oh, no I did…I didn’t mean to…” You reply hesitantly. _Bullshit,_ your mind interrupts. _How can you say that, after all that vacillation between leaving and staying? You_ wanted _to wait for him_. The noise inside your head is loud and the wave of nervous second-guessing is washing over you, but you refuse to let it take a hold of you. You can do this. Kaworu is a pilot, just like you, and a human being himself. A _kind_ human being at that, from what you've gathered. You look up at him, filled with uncertainty.

  
His only response is an amiable smile and a quiet, “Oh?”

  
He’s patient with you, and once again, you get the feeling as if he’s reading your mind—like he can see all the indecision in your mind and is allowing you time to sort through your thoughts. You are overwhelmingly grateful for this small kindness (too often people have demanded answers and decisions from you immediately without taking the time to understand that you _just can’t_ work that quickly). You let out a soft breath.

  
“Ah, well, the usual tests are over, so I was going to take a shower before I went home. But nowadays, I don’t really want to go home…” You think of Asuka and Misato’s taunting and want to groan aloud. Really, you can’t deal with them again this soon.

  
“It’s nice to have a place to go home to. That fact makes you happy, whether or not you’re aware of it.”

  
Kaworu’s voice flows smoothly, in a way that makes even the simplest words soothe the tension from your body. You suppose he’s right, but you also suppose he might be a little bothered if he knew that he’s part of the reason you are avoiding home.

  
“Is that so…” You murmur in reply.

  
“I want to talk to you some more. May I go with you? To the shower, I mean.”

  
And suddenly, it’s like someone has taken a cattle prod to the base of your spine. Your heartbeat elevates, and your stomach curls into itself once again. Kaworu has leaned forward a little, his full attention resting solely on you, and you are completely stunned. Haven’t you been stuttering? Aren’t you an awkward and unsociable person? Didn’t you walk in on him changing?

  
Why is he still choosing to approach you, asking to spend more time with you? You have literally done nothing to earn his undying attention and focus. And yet…

  
“…W-why?” You manage. You know how nervous and pathetic you probably look, and you also know that he can see every miniscule move you make. He can see, and he notices. As if realizing how close he has put himself to you, Kaworu straightens up, but does not step away.

  
“Why? Hmm…you may not understand this yet, but you are a very important person to me, Shinji. And besides, we are both pilots. We should get to know each other, no? Ah, but I’ve been a bit forward. I understand if you’d rather go alone.” He takes a single step back, still smiling, and you jolt into action.

  
Words pour out of your throat, and your right hand reaches out to him, just a little. “Ah, no, that’s not what I meant! I…well, I just wondered why, that’s all. Actually, I’d like to talk to you some more, too.” You flush, not having planned to admit that last part. Kaworu blinks at you, and you wish his eyelashes weren’t so pretty. He steps forward again and reaches out to grab your still partially extended hand, pulling you to your feet. You allow this, still a little bit overwhelmed. His palm is actually rougher than yours, which surprises you. He looks so soft and light, but the touch of his hand and the sharp strength in his eyes suggest a gentle but indomitable power inherent in his being.

  
He lets go of your hand, but the pads of his fingers skim across yours, and for a moment you feel as if some of his graceful light has flowed into your body from where your fingers touch. A sudden, clear thought appears in your mind. _It will be alright,_ you think. _I don’t really understand why Kaworu has chosen me, but if it’s by him…I get the feeling everything will be alright._ His quiet acceptance fills you with elation. When he turns to head for the showers, you follow without a second thought.

  
\----

  
 _Kaworu didn’t mean to seduce Shinji, really, he didn’t. The opportunity simply presented itself, and Kaworu, being a bit of an opportunist, acted on it. To be honest, it wasn’t really fair—Shinji was already so confused about what he even felt towards Kaworu at this point, but Kaworu_ knows _and Kaworu has needs, too. He needs to see Shinji smile, he needs to touch him and talk to him, and he needs to be the one who will always love Shinji, unconditionally. And if Shinji never actually looked at him or acknowledged him or spoke to him, Kaworu supposes he’d be okay with that, too, as long as he gets the chance to make Shinji happy._

 _  
But although that’s pretty much all that Kaworu needs, that’s not necessarily all that Kaworu_ wants _. There are loops where he has had to dig his fingers into his arms to keep from pulling Shinji close to him, loops where he has had to physically turn his head away to keep from kissing the corner of Shinji’s mouth, loops where he has gripped his sides because he remembers_ that person right there they hurt his Shinji he’ll kill them he’ll kill them they hurt his Shinji. _And in those moments, Kaworu nearly forgets that he’s here for a purpose, that there’s a reason he keeps looping, and he just_ **wants** _._

 _  
So when he’s presented with a situation such as the one that occurred in the locker room, Kaworu doesn’t try particularly hard to stop himself from stretching his muscles a little more than usual, from letting his plugsuit slip dangerously low on his hips, or from gazing at Shinji how he always, always wants to, but never can. He’s well aware of the damage he’s doing to Shinji’s composure, how he’s making Shinji even more confused, but there’s a certain frustration that drives his actions. He sometimes wishes that Shinji would just_ remember, _let the wall fall down between them, and just let Kaworu in already (but then Kaworu remembers how many times Shinji’s killed him, how many times he’s_ made _Shinji kill him, and he’s pretty grateful Shinji doesn’t remember any of it)._

_  
Kaworu’s a bit relieved that he didn’t scare Shinji away with his earlier display. Shinji waits for him, just like he does in all of these particular loops, blushing at having been caught. Kaworu is patient, kind, giving Shinji the time he needs to gather himself. He makes his offer, enjoying Shinji’s surprise, anticipating what is to come. He is so familiar with this scene, played out in many, many different loops, that when Shinji asks why, Kaworu is completely caught by surprise._

_  
‘Why’ is not a question Shinji ever bothered to ask him, and Kaworu is completely thrown off, though he forces any change in expression from his face. He straightens up, heart pounding faster._ This is new…this never happened before…could this be… _Kaworu fights back the tidal wave of_ hope _that nearly swallows him, and looks hard at Shinji. Kaworu can see the uncertainty written all over his face, the insecurity he has around Kaworu, and Kaworu nearly sighs._

 _  
He believes that Shinji is a rather misunderstood person. He has flaws and weaknesses, yes, but that is just the nature of Lilin. Shinji is not a superhuman—he can’t live to fight like Asuka, shut down his emotions like Rei, or disregard fear like Mari. He is the epitome of humanity—weak, selfish, and frightened, but also desperate for love and surprisingly strong when the situation calls for it. Kaworu does not love Shinji because he is perfect, but rather,_ because _of the flaws that to others make him “imperfect”._

 _  
Kaworu isn’t really sure how to articulate the nature of his attraction to Shinji, nor how to put into words how deep his feelings go, mostly because he is not entirely sure himself. All he can do is tell Shinji that he is important, and if not to the world then at least to Kaworu he is so, so important. And Shinji, without fully understanding the_ why, _accepts Kaworu's answer and places at least a small amount of trust in him—the trust that Kaworu’s intentions are benevolent._

 _  
_This is enough, _Kaworu thinks, turning to the showers. Even if he’s not fully in control of this loop, just having a little bit of Shinji’s trust is enough. Kaworu smiles, just slightly, to himself, holding down the bubble of hope that has been slowly rising in his chest._

_  
Who’s to say that this loop won’t be different? Who’s to say the outcome won’t change? Kaworu has a good feeling this time around._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> famous last words kaworu


	2. you've got a warm heart; you've got a beautiful brain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is basically more kawoshin fluff

You flinch when the shock of cold water hits your bare back, but the temperature is not the reason for your skittishness.  
  
Upon actually arriving at the showers, your mistake became glaringly obvious. Although at the time agreeing to shower with Kaworu had seemed like a good idea, you quickly realized it was _really really not a good idea_. Even if Kaworu possessed the ability to make you feel less self-conscious clothed, just the thought of seeing him naked, or more importantly, _him seeing you naked_ , made you feel faint. Kaworu has lithe muscles and angel skin to boast about, but you only have a scrawny, kind of underfed look about you which makes you pretty much want to curl up in a ball forever.  
  
You are so paralyzed with shock at this horrifying development that you stop dead in your tracks. You're so abrupt that Kaworu actually stops himself and turns around to glance back at you with concern.  
  
"Shinji?" He murmurs, brows furrowing. You shake yourself and stroll right past him without a second glance.  
  
"I'm fine. I just...thought I left something behind." Your lie is flimsy at best, but Kaworu accepts it, more or less, falling into step beside you but still giving you a suspicious look. You try your damnedest not to look in his general direction, for fear of being called out on it.  
  
The shower room is empty today, and you send thankful prayers up to whatever gods are still listening that this situation isn't made even more awkward by the addition of a third party. The faster you shower and get in the bath, the faster you can escape the embarrassment of showering with another person. You give yourself a hard mental kicking for being stupid enough to even bring up showers.  
  
You stop by a locker near the door to drop off your cassette player and change (god knows what would happen if that old thing got wet), but Kaworu, holding nothing, moves farther in. You wonder if maybe he noticed your nervousness and is doing this for your benefit, but then you remember that you were kind of ogling him earlier today, and you mentally kick yourself again. It's no good—your nerves have you fidgeting, a clear sign of discomfort. You don't want to make Kaworu feel uncomfortable around you due to your own nervousness, but that's going to be pretty hard to do if you jump ten feet at every sharp noise.  
  
Instead of worrying, you try to occupy yourself with changing. You pull off your shirt and pants mechanically, but hesitate with your fingers on the waistband of your boxers. You shoot a shy glance Kaworu's way and bite down hard on the inside of your cheek to keep from making a noise at what you see.  
  
Okay, so you were one hundred percent correct about the chest and ab muscles. Now that you think about it, this whole "Kaworu experience" probably says something about your sexuality. You've seen Rei, Asuka, and Misato all in varying states of undress, but although they made you blush and stutter, none of them made your heart skyrocket or caused your mouth to dry up. Kaworu has got that department down to an art, and you're once again feeling woozy just by looking at the light muscle definition that is so very characteristic of Kaworu.  
  
He looks completely comfortable, tucking a towel around his waist, eyes closed. You look away, not wanting to be caught staring twice in the same day. You change quickly, hoping that Kaworu doesn't look over and see you (which is really stupid, since he's going to see you naked when you actually shower, anyway). Luckily, he goes on ahead, and you hurriedly tie on your own towel, feeling awkward all alone in the locker room.  
  
The public shower itself is rather large, or appears to be so, since the entire bathing area has high ceilings, creating the illusion of space even within a smaller area. Although the design is pleasing to the eye, you feel overexposed in all the empty air. With only the two of you using the bath, the space seems both impossibly large and too tight for comfort. It's a peculiar feeling that invades your mind and makes you want to turn around, go back to the apartment, but the moment you step into the showering area, Kaworu traps you with his gaze.  
  
He's taken one side of the showers, and you proceed to take the other, movements jerky under the weight of his stare. It doesn't occur to you until later that perhaps he looked you over a little too long than what would be considered "normal". You feel inferior and self-conscious near him, but force those self-deprecating thoughts from your mind, focusing instead on the actual act of showering. Kaworu blinks and looks away without a word when you settle under the faucet behind him.  
  
You hear him tossing his towel on the bench, and you do the same, not looking behind you. You are eternally grateful that it hits the bench straight on—that you don't miss and actually have to turn around and face _him_ in order to put it up. The water is _freezing_ when you twist the shower dial, but the shock clears your mind and you loosen up a little. There's no reason for you to be nervous, that was just your paranoia talking. You know that Rei, Asuka, and Misato have bathed together before, and if that oddball group can do it, so can you. Hell, you actually _get along_ with Kaworu.  
  
Your skittishness does not dissipate enough for you to actually turn around, but you feel much more at ease when the water begins to warm. You wash yourself briskly, although you're no quicker than usual. Just knowing that any excess LCL is washing off your body makes you feel thousands of times cleaner. You scrub the orange out from under your fingernails and sigh gratefully when all you can smell is pure, pure water.  
  
Actually, you kind of forgot about Kaworu. Warm water is really good for your nerves, but stunning grey-haired boys aren't, really, so when you feel thin fingers sliding from your shoulder blades up the sides of your neck, you experience a full body spasm, and gasp loudly.  
  
"Sorry," Kaworu's voice murmurs from behind you, so close it's nearly spoken straight into your ear. His hand is cool, even after being under warm water for so long. Goosebumps travel up and down your body. You cannot physically speak. When he reaches past you and grabs a bar of soap from the ledge on the shower wall you placed it on, you are still frozen. Comprehension dawns slowly, and you realize only after he's pulled away that Kaworu is not actually trying to cause your early demise via a sudden heart attack, but shower like a normal human being.  
  
Your heart is still beating too fast, and honestly, you need to sit down. You turn off your shower shakily and shuffle over to the communal bath, trying not to make it look like you're running away. Kaworu's familiarity with you is too much too soon. You have been acquainted for such a short period of time, but his demeanor and actions suggest a past between the two of you. It doesn't help that you have had little experience with receiving affection, considering that Kaworu showers you with nothing _but_ affection.  
  
The bath absorbs some of the tension in your shoulders, and eases your body into a more relaxed state. The new pilot gives you some space, preferring to shower longer. When he does settle in next to you, he leaves a respectful distance. You're not looking at him, but if you were, you suspect he would have a slightly apologetic expression on his face.  
  
The companionable silence between the two of you lasts until you muster up the courage to shoot a glance his way, praying that he chalks the flush in your cheeks up to the warm water and steam of the bath, and not your complete and utter embarrassment. Kaworu is the picture of relaxation, exuding calm with closed eyes, open body language, and the small, ever-present smile resting on his face. He's quite the contrast to your nervous, darting gaze and terrible posture. You never really noticed it before, but your instinct has always been to go on the defense, to make yourself look less threatening.  
  
Kaworu hasn't been looking at you, but you suppose he felt your state on him, because he begins to speak, soft and unthreatening. "You avoid contact of the first kind at all costs. Do you fear to feel other people? Being ignorant of others, you will never be betrayed or hurt, though you will never escape from feeling sadness."  
  
Your heartbeat skips at Kaworu's tone. His voice is warm and wise, and immediately what pops into your head is the biblical shepherd leading his sheep. Kaworu looks through you like you're translucent, but at the same time he _sees_ you. You are never given the chance to hide your true self because of his omniscience, but honestly, you find yourself okay with that. Meeting and getting to know Kaworu has been somewhat of a trust fall, and by now, you've come to realize he'll definitely be there to catch you gently at the end.  
  
"A person can't erase sadness forever. Everyone is alone. However, people can forget, and so they are able to live."  
  
A sudden warmth brushes and settles on top of your hand. You gasp aloud and flush even darker because, yes, there, there Kaworu has finally done it. His thumb swipes slowly against your hand and you relax your posture just a tad. No more teasing and flirting around you—he’s finally showing his true colors. Fitting, you think. Or at least fair. The least he could do after flawlessly decoding your inner self was to give you a little bit of something to go on. Kaworu is still just as mysterious as he has been since he first showed up at NERV, you think. He's impossible and beautiful, and you like him so much more for helping you understand him.  
  
The lights in the bath flicker off with a loud _clack._ Ah, was it really that late already? Nothing to be done about it then. "It's time," you explain to the silver boy next to you, currently stirring the water a little as he looks around.  
  
"It's over?" He murmured, sounding only very mildly surprised.  
  
You exhale and lock eyes on Kaworu as your eyes adjust. "Yeah, we have to go to bed now." Ah. Going to have to deal with Misato and Asuka, how unpleasant. Really, you just want to sleep straight through the next couple of days, but those two can be unreasonably loud sometimes.  
  
You miss the quirk at the edge of Kaworu's mouth and the playful look in his eyes. "Bed? Together?"  
  
That wrenches you from your internal whinging about your roommates with enough force to make you dizzy. Crap! Had you insinuated something you shouldn't have in your distracted state? You sputter out an answer in the least graceful manner possible. "Ah! N-no, you are provided with your own, different room!" _Didn't Misato show you to it?_ Your mind supplies unhelpfully at the last second.  
  
Kaworu seems neither disappointed nor relieved. He stands suddenly, and you flounder to keep your eyes above his chest at all costs. Staring determinedly at his face, you notice for a moment, he looks distressingly serious. "Well...people always feel pain in their hearts," he murmurs.  
  
Kaworu meets your gaze once more, and his expression softens. "The heart is easy to wound, that's why living is painful," he explains kindly. There's a flash of easy, pure affection in his eyes. "In particular, your heart is fragile like glass."  
  
You blink. "Me?"  
  
The affection settles on his face, making Kaworu even more impossibly stunning. "Yes, worthy of love," he replies, and you swear you hear the hint of a laugh, but not at your expense. Rather, you feel as if he is laughing with the slight amusement that comes with caring for someone, often how you pictured your mother to act.  
  
"Love?" You swallow. _What?_  
  
Easy as breathing, Kaworu says, "I mean, I love you."  
  
\--------------------  
  
 _Living the way Kaworu does, it's sometimes hard to keep track of what happened in which loop. He's tried time and time again to get it right, the proof of his efforts in empty tombs lined in a row, one after another. In the interim (after yet another failure), he will sometimes find himself counting the coffins as they stretch into the distance, until he can no longer see the end. Perhaps it's a bit morbid; after all, he's staring at the only remains of his broken, dead bodies. The bare bones of Shinji's potential happiness. Kaworu is neither skittish nor superstitious, but he still finds himself turning from the empty tombs with a fluttering, queasy feeling in his stomach._  
  
 _At the beginning, when he was still young and foolish, before he began to understand the nature of Lilin, it was easy to keep track of his lives. It was easy to figure out where he had made a wrong choice, proceed to fix said mistake, then inevitably screw up again, and the cycle repeats. Young Kaworu got frustrated in those loops, sometimes ruined entire lives by turning his bitterness and impatience outward. Sometimes he would push Shinji away, like that. Sometimes he would push Gendo Ikari too far. It was just cycles._  
  
 _It wasn't until he finally realized that aggression and sharp words and wild emotions wouldn't save his Shinji that the scene changed. Before the Third Impact, or after the Near-Third, his cycles varied. Occasionally, when his emotions got the better of him, he would return to that first loop, the one where Shinji hated him. Useless, of course. He could never bring his love the peace he deserved with the echoes of anger and soul-deep regret resounding in his memories and the cold metal walls of NERV._  
  
 _Kaworu, although he was and always would be an active participant in Shinji's life and the lives of those who surrounded him, found himself as an observer. With very few exceptions, Shinji's situation and acquaintances were always the same. Misato, a troubled, incredibly strong woman (but not strong enough to protect his Shinji with complete and utter devotion). Rei, an anomaly in herself, trapped in the same fate life after life (just like him, whether she was aware of it or not). Asuka, a powerhouse and an extraordinarily unpleasant person to be around (her pain was vicious and lying right below the surface of her skin, and sometimes, Kaworu saw a flash of his young self in her). Gendo Ikari, unwavering and unstoppable, although Kaworu tried and tried, relentlessly (the man who had taught Kaworu the meaning of fear)._  
  
 _Others came and went, but Kaworu learned those four almost as well as he learned Shinji. So could he be blamed for a passing comment filled with too much insight, aimed at one of them? Rei and Misato regarded him suspiciously, and Asuka always found a new way to shove and threaten him against a wall. He'd learned the hard way that speaking out of turn to Gendo was a fatal mistake._  
  
 _But regardless of the situation, the Lilin he had come to know (whether he liked it or not) reacted to stimuli the same way. They were predictable time after time, loop after loop. Kaworu could practically recite the conversations he'd overhear before any of them opened their mouth. He had a kind of omniscience when it came to NERV and SEELE, born from experience rather than an angelic, intrinsic gift._  
  
 _Why then, did he expect Shinji to be any different? Every time he spoke those words, "I love you", Shinji flushed and sputtered and shook, like no one had ever told him they loved him. No one had, of course, because his Shinji was a lost, broken soul, crippled by the lack of care he had received. And yet, whenever Shinji jumped at his touch, or balked at his_ basic human decency _, Kaworu was surprised. Each loop he expected a different outcome—that somehow, someone would have found it in them to love and protect the boy before Kaworu could reach him. And each loop, he was unfailingly let down._  
  
 _And even now, looking down at Shinji, frozen still in the bath, Kaworu feels a spike of sadness jump in his heart._ Nothing, again _. He's aware that Shinji has been shocked into silence, and that the smile on his own face is slowly slipping into something deeper and achingly mournful. No, that's not what Shinji needs right now._  
  
 _Kaworu extends a hand to Shinji, who jolts out of his paralysis, eyes the offered hand, and eventually lifts his slowly and shakily to join with Kaworu's. Kaworu pulls Shinji to his feet, marveling at the coiled strength in his arm and shoulder, the sharp contrast in their skin tones, the smooth and pleasant feeling of their hands clasped together._ Lilin are so beautiful and complex, _Kaworu thinks._ How they can bear the weight of the world in such fragile bodies and even frailer psyches is unbelievable. But...there is a certain sturdiness to them, when they are together.  
  
 _Hauling Shinji to his feet seems to have snapped him out of the daze he was in, and he pulls away quickly, stumbling a little and splashing the so still water. Kaworu is not offended: he will wait, he will explain, he will give Shinji whatever he needs. Shinji swallows and makes a few aborted attempts at words before finally taking a deep breath and stuttering out an accusation._  
  
 _"K-Kaworu-kun...how can you say such a thing? We've only just met--I don't know a thing about you! How can you say such a thing when we've only known each other for a few days? This is even the first time we've been together alone...and such strong feelings should not be made light of. It's...it's not nice to tease someone like that. Kaworu-kun doesn't even know a thing about me, if you did..." Shinji's outburst tapers off with the unspoken_ if you did you would never say that to someone like me _. He won't look at Kaworu, and the grey-haired boy lets him simmer down for a moment, before taking a step forward._  
  
 _Shinji tenses minutely, but doesn't step away, and Kaworu takes that as his go ahead. He takes another step forward, close enough to touch Shinji easily, and the boy is red to his ears, most likely very aware of just how naked the two of them are. Kaworu reaches out, slowly and non-threateningly, to brush a strand of hair away from Shinji's cheek. He dares to glance at Kaworu, but then quickly looks away._  
  
 _"I know nothing about you?" Kaworu murmurs, turning over the sentence in his head and dismissing it. He doesn't need to have spent hours in the company of the dark-haired boy to know him. The fact that Lilin feel quantity of time spent with someone allows them to know a person better than_ quality _of time spent with them is one part of their nature Kaworu will never understand. He runs the back of fingers lightly down Shinji’s face and watches goose bumps jump along his skin at the contact._  
  
 _"I know that Shinji-kun is polite and even-tempered, even when you are annoyed. I know that even though your friends can be hurtful or not understanding you still care about them. I know that you blame yourself and claim that you're selfish, when really you just want to be treated like a human being. I know that Shinji-kun is loyal and loving, even though no one cares to reciprocate that love." Kaworu rests his hand on Shinji's shoulder and the boy finally looks up at him._  
  
 _"I know that you are warm and alive, that your heart beats steadily, that your muscles are strong and serve you well, that you press on and fight to survive even when the odds are stacked so, so high against you. I know that you are beautiful and human, and so very, very brave to live in this world." He smiles again at the boy, trying to communicate the depth of his adoration. "Tell me, Shinji-kun, do I truly know nothing about you?" Kaworu is loath to resist the urges of his human body, and so, just this once, he gives in and presses a soft kiss to Shinji's jaw._  
  
 _Shinji doesn't startle this time, but gasps, looking Kaworu straight on when he pulls back. "Too much?" The angel asks, and Shinji shakes his head, swift heartbeat nearly audible, but a growing look of warmth on his face._  
  
 _"I don't really understand...but Kaworu-kun is a good person and an honest person, I think. And..." He looks away shyly. "And Kaworu-kun is the only person who makes me feel safe and...and comfortable."_  
  
 _There's a moment of silence between them, just looking at each other like they're seeing each other for the first time, until another_ clack _echoes down the hallway and Shinji looks up sharply._  
  
 _"Ah! We'd best be going now; the hallways can be difficult to navigate when they're dark."_  
  
 _The two boys step out of the water and dry off, changing into their clothes quickly and silently. Shinji tucks his cassette player into his bag, and adjusts his shirt once more, listening to Kaworu's approaching footsteps. Shinji fidgets, just a little, and then takes a breath, turning to Kaworu. "I'm sorry to be a bother, but...can...can I stay with Kaworu-kun tonight? Misato-san and Asuka have been so troublesome of late..."_  
  
 _Kaworu nods and nudges Shinji out the door gently. "If that is what pleases you."_  
  
\------------  
  
"Come on, I'll sleep on the floor."  
  
"It's okay. You're the one who's doing me a favor by letting me stay over. I'm fine where I am."  
  
You try not to shift in the darkness, but as the silence stretches out you feel increasingly more awkward. Memories of the time in the bath flash to the forefront of your mind, unbidden. Kaworu, brushing a piece of your hair back, touching you, and lighting a fire in your chest. Kaworu, speaking mildly to calm your nerves, but his words unraveling you piece by piece. Kaworu kissing—  
  
"What do you want to talk about?"  
  
You jump. _Caught._ “Huh?” You manage.

“There are things you want me to hear, right?”

That gives you pause. It’s true that you didn’t want to return to your shared apartment because of your roommates, but that’s not the main reason. Kaworu, of course, knows this already. It’s been kind of a whirlwind of a day for you, whirlwind of a _life_ , really, and now Kaworu’s here…honestly, you just need to actually talk about how messed up and changed your life is. You need confirmation that you’re actually here, that all of this actually happened, all the pain and the death and…

“All sorts of things have happened to me since I came here. Before coming here, I used to live with my teacher. The days were peaceful. Nothing ever happened. I only had to exist there…But that was okay, because there was nothing I had to do.” _Not like here_ , you think. _I still don’t get it, still playing it by ear, but everyone expects so much of me._

“Did you hate people?” Kaworu asks.

“Not really, I don’t think it mattered one way or another.” You pause, and add, “But I did hate my father.” _Still do._

 _Why am I telling Kaworu-kun all this,_ you wonder. _Perhaps because he’s a good listener. Well, I don’t know that for sure, but…but I think he would hear me out. No one else wants to talk about how crazy all of this is. Eva? Angels? We’re just kids, but we’re supposed to save the world? No one wants to acknowledge this. I don’t understand. And because I don’t understand, I want to run away. I want to run away from this insanity that my life has become, but I can’t do that…I’m sure Kaworu-kun understands. He seems to know_ everything _—everything about me and everything about the world. Yes, that’s right…Kaworu-kun feels—Kaworu-kun told me—told me that he—_

You turn to look at the boy lying in the bed beside you. Oh, but he’s already looking at you. It’s not…no one has ever looked at you like that, before Kaworu. _I mean, I love you._ Do you really, Kaworu-kun? Someone like me, do you still…?

His eyes crinkle again and he huffs softly. “I was probably born to meet you.”

You match his smile with a shyer, smaller one of your own. You can trust Kaworu. He is safety and comfort, a home that you always knew you were missing, but could never find. You find that you want him to touch you again, to run pale fingers down your arm or laugh into the back of your neck. You, too, want to touch him. You want to splay your fingers across his chest and tuck your head under his chin, fall asleep to his steady, strong heartbeat. You don’t want him to leave your side.

\----------

 _These moments, alone in his temporary dorm, are the most precious to Kaworu. He captures each and every memory and seals them away, looking back at them when he struggles to carry on. Because_ this _is the Shinji he’s fighting to protect. This fledgling happiness is dearer to him than the world, than his divine duty to destroy it, than his own life. Given the option, he will reject the Third Impact every time in favor of time traveling tirelessly to save a single life. It’s a bit selfish, he supposes. But considering all of Shinji’s trials and tribulations in every single life he lives, Kaworu believes he could use a little selfishness._

_Kaworu is happy to exist only in these small moments, these pockets of contentment and peace, before the world inevitably goes to hell. He’s okay with smiles and words heavy with meaning, if that is all fate deigns to give him. But so much about this loop has been different, he should have known by now that he should expect the unexpected. As it is, he can hardly keep his eyes from widening when Shinji sits up, eyes still fixed on his, and moves closer._

_He’s still uncertain about his advances—that much Kaworu knows—but there’s a glimmer in his eyes, a boldness that causes a hunger to stir inside Kaworu._ What is he doing? _This has_ never _happened before. Shinji has never reached out and sought Kaworu, not like this. The dark-haired boy shifts over to the side of Kaworu’s bed, and tucks his chin over the edge, leaning on it and fixing his gaze on Kaworu’s._

_The angel is shaking. Maybe not physically, but his emotions are scattered and he’s just thoroughly shaken. He’s nervous—an emotion he’s not quite familiar with (oh, not since he was young, has it truly been that long?), but it is quickly replaced with a more familiar one: anticipation, singed with the desire he’s kept a lid on for countless loops. His expression shifts, and even in the dark he catches the slight dilation of Shinji’s pupils in response. Kaworu lifts a hand and trails it through Shinji’s hair. “Definitely born to meet you,” he whispers to himself, but a quiet exhalation tells him Shinji heard it, too._

_Kaworu’s in a bit of a daze when Shinji climbs to his feet and then into Kaworu’s bed. He hovers over the angel, marvelously courageous for someone with a past like his. He straddles Kaworu, and the boy stops curling his fingers tightly in the sheets in exchange for resting his hands around Shinji’s neck, thumbs brushing his jaw. Kaworu pauses for a moment, just looking at the beautiful human on top of him._ Shinji…Shinji…

 _He pulls him down into a light, teasing kiss. Shinji’s pink, and from this close, Kaworu can feel his heartbeat rise to meet Kaworu’s already elevated rate. He kisses him again on the side of the mouth, before Shinji pulls back a little, turning his head to press his mouth to the center of his palm. Kaworu gasps, just a little, but there’s a spark behind Shinji’s eyes at the sound, and Kaworu feels_ himself _getting flushed._

_His heart is lodged solidly in his throat, oh, and he really can't breathe. He feels so human, so impossibly, wonderfully human as his pulse spikes again and his lungs draw quicker and shallower breaths. This loop, this is the one, he has tried so hard and so long, all for this..._

_The Shinji sprawled over him is not a Shinji he has known in his past lives. He's bold, he's_ trying, _and he wants to form a connection, actually wants Kaworu. It's bliss, all bliss, and Kaworu thinks that for all the times he has died for Shinji, all the times he has suffered and grieved, all of it was worth it. He has finally, finally brought Shinji happiness. In time, he can bring him peace and heal his soul with bottomless affection and devotion. Kaworu will teach Shinji to smile again, and the thought pulls up the corners of his lips. He's still smiling when Shinji drives the nail hidden in his hand through Kaworu's palm with a feral viciousness._

\-------

You love the pale-haired pilot with the all-knowing eyes.  
  
You are never going to let Nagisa Kaworu leave your side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> goddammit what did i say kaworu


	3. call me a safe bet, i'm betting i'm not

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My inspiration for this entire fic is from Fineshrine by Purity Ring, linked below. Feel free to listen to it.

_Get a little closer, let fold_   
_Cut open my sternum, and pull_   
_My little ribs around you_   
_The rungs of me be under, under you_   
  
_I'll cut the soft pockets, let bleed_   
_Over the rocky cliffs that you leave_   
_To peer over and not forget what feet are_   
_Splitting threads of thunder over me_

_\--[ **Fineshrine**](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=muL0Q6z0TWo) by **Purity Ring**_

****

"That bad, huh?"  
  
Ritsuko turns around sharply to glare at Misato. "On the contrary," she hisses in a low voice, "it's wonderful news. How could it possibly be 'that bad'?"  
  
Misato looks at least somewhat chastised. Her whole easy going charade drops after a moment, and Ritsuko can see the stress and worry written in the bags under her eyes and in the persistent frown gracing her face. She feels a little bad. But honestly...now was not the time for joking around.  
  
Misato drags a hand through her hair restlessly and lets out a long exhale, steeling herself for the inevitable bad news. "Alright, out with it. I'm not getting any younger." Ritsuko turns back to the screen with a small, depressed frown of her own.  
  
"Well, you were right about the emotional outbursts being abnormal. Shinji-kun does tend to keep quiet unless provoked, but none of the instances you mentioned had any kind of stimulus for his actions. Well...nothing external, at least."  
  
Ritsuko pulls up a new window and gestures at it helplessly. "I had a few of the psychologists test him in person, but unfortunately, their results coincided with what we got from the extra tests we ran while he was in the plug."  
  
Misato crosses her arms tightly. "So? How bad is it?"  
  
Ritsuko worries her bottom lip for a moment subconsciously. Misato picks up in the quirk immediately and shifts into attack mode. "Ritsuko, you haven't bitten your lip like that since university. I'm not a child, and you can't protect me from whatever it is you're so desperate to hide. Just give me the goddamn results already." Her voice is cold and menacing, and Ritsuko suddenly remembers that Katsuragi is _not_ her friend; she is a major and an important figure in power at NERV. She's not the little girl Ritsuko once knew. She can handle this.  
  
She looks her dead in the eye and says, "He's repressing psychological trauma at the highest degree. The emotional bursts we've seen from Shinji-kun? Those are only small parts of his crumbling psyche falling apart. He's going to have a psychological break, and possibly compromise the safety of himself and those around him." She takes a deep breath. "I'm recommending that he be removed from piloting duties and receive urgent psychological care until further notice."  
  
Ritsuko watches the emotions dance across Misato's face. Shock, grief, disbelief, anger...and finally a cold, calculating gaze that Ritsuko does not like one bit. She knows exactly where this is going, can see the gears work in Misato's head. "Don't you dare even think--"  
  
"A few emotional bursts do not constitute the complete removal of our most valuable and resourceful pilot. You have no proof that he'll have a psychological break, nor that it will be in any way harmful to--"  
  
"Damn it, Misato!" Ritsuko yells, slamming a hand on her desk. They're lucky no one's around. "Shinji was there when Unit 01 crushed the plug with one of his friends trapped inside. He wasn't standing on the sidelines like us _. He was in the Eva as it cracked the thing open like a steel trap on an animal's leg_. He's killed Angels of terrifying size and power, all on his own. Fucking hell, there's been collateral damage for sure! If a soldier can get PTSD from fighting in a war against humans, how do you think a _child_ fighting against _monsters from space_ is going to end up?"  
  
She jabs a finger in Misato's chest, shaking with fury. "I don't give a damn if it's your sworn duty as major to push these kids to their absolute breaking points for the good of mankind, don't you _dare_ belittle their suffering or my intelligence by playing this off. Putting him in an Eva in his condition could result in him turning against us and destroying the entire base. Remember what happened, after the dummy system was employed? Maybe next time we won't be fast enough cutting him off. If you're going to make Shinji-kun keep fighting you will accept the full consequences of your actions."  
  
Misato's resolve flickers in her eyes, and Ritsuko thinks for a fleeting moment that she may have reached the person that lay hidden under her military persona. But then Misato stops wavering and her eyes harden with a kind of miserable loyalty. "You and I both know Shinji-kun is too valuable to remove from the equation. Touji's in a coma, Asuka's synch rates are abysmal, and Rei can't possibly do this on her own. You know I can't take him out, not even if he's on the verge of a meltdown."  
  
"Not on the verge of a meltdown," Ritsuko snaps. "He's in the process of a meltdown. His mental stability was never all that stable in the first place, but these tests show that he's spiraling down into the extremely unstable. The stress of repressing his trauma is winding him up, and when he finally snaps he's going to destroy not only himself, but possibly the other pilots, our staff, even you." She sharpens her gaze. "Is it still worth it?"  
  
Misato shrinks away, shoulders drooping. "There's nothing that can be done about it. We have one more Angel to fight and then it's over, Ritsuko. Just the one. Once we defeat it, Shinji can receive his treatment. That's the only thing I can do." Ritsuko turns away with a long sigh.  
  
"You can't hold on until SEELE forks over the Fifth Child?" She stacks a few papers bitterly, trying to take out her frustration on paperwork and files.  
  
"We can't trust anything from SEELE, not fully at least."  
  
Ritsuko snorts. "And here I thought they were our allies."  
  
"...Ritsuko..."  
  
"No, forget it, just leave me. You asked for the results, I gave them to you, now let me cool down before I accidentally delete some vital information in my irritation."  
  
She doesn't turn around again until she hears the door shut, but she swears that she heard a soft _I'm sorry_ from Misato before she left.  
  
"Sorry for what?" Ritsuko mutters to herself. "Shinji-kun is the one you need to apologize to. And since when did I become the one with a heart? ...It doesn't suit me." She hesitates for a moment, but then sits down at her desk, frowning. She types for a bit, chews her lip, and then hovers the mouse indecisively over the 'SEND' button.  
  
"If it will make SEELE act quicker," she murmurs, and sends the email documenting Shinji's mental stability reports to the head of the medical department at SEELE.  
  
\----------  
  
  
Perhaps Kaworu had overestimated Lilin's capacity for pain. The sharp spike of pure agony that permeates from the nail now impaling his palm causes Kaworu to arch his back with a stifled gasp before closing his eyes tightly to quell the panic and adrenaline flooding his too human body. His hand is on fire, and a small splatter of blood, _his blood_ , flicks onto his face. The taste of it is in his mouth, Angelic and unnatural, and Kaworu fights back a sudden wave of nausea because all he can taste is imminent death on his tongue.  
  
How strange. Isn't that the same hand Shinji had kissed so reverently just moments ago?  
  
Shinji presses Kaworu's arm flat on his bed wordlessly, driving the nail-imbedded hand in and through the soft mattress. Kaworu opens his eyes again, burying the burn of tears and the immediate pain into his subconscious so that he can focus on Shinji. The dark haired boy, strangely enough, is still looking calmly and lovingly at Kaworu. He leans down, pressing his body flush against Kaworu's and whispers softly in his ear, "Stay here for me, won't you, Kaworu-kun?"  
  
Without another word, he hops off the bed lightly, padding over to his bag and reaching into it. Kaworu is too stunned to move--with the pain removed from his immediate thoughts, all that remains is surprise and confusion. _Wasn't this loop going so well? Weren't we getting somewhere for once? Why now, why this?_ His mind, usually sharp and seven steps ahead of every human around him, melts into a blurred haze of barely contained hysteria. How could he not have foreseen something like this? No...no this was a completely bizarre instance, Shinji had _never_ wanted to hurt Kaworu before, not like this. But still--something plagues Kaworu, a thought, a niggling sensation in the back of his head that this was avoidable.  
  
And then, the memory appears.  
  
 _Kaworu is standing before Keel Lorenz--or at least, the stone monolith that stands in as an avatar for him. They have had this conversation before. It's nearly time for Kaworu to return to Shinji's side.  
  
"I presume you have memorized the files of the key members of NERV, as requested," the monolith is saying. "Should we need you to become closer to one of them or apply pressure, please refer to these files as a reference."  
  
Kaworu makes a pretense of flipping through the files with interest. It wouldn't do to upset the Chairman of such an omnipotent organization, regardless of the fact that he has read these same words over and over again throughout his lives. His mind is on Shinji now, a plan forming in his mind to correct the mistakes of his last loop, only vaguely tuning in to what SEELE is telling him.  
  
"...However, there is one important issue that has been brought to our attention. The Third Child, Ikari Shinji--our medical department received an urgent message regarding that pilot a week ago."  
  
Kaworu snaps to attention at Shinji's name, cocking his head to the side. "Oh?"  
  
"Apparently, he's in an extremely unstable mental condition. Despite this, NERV will continue to use him as their primary pilot. This is concerning enough to Akagi Ritsuko, their chief scientist, that she sent a high priority email requesting your immediate presence at NERV."  
  
Ah, well, that was unsurprising, especially considering that his Shinji was fighting the Angels as a child. He was bound to have psychological trauma. That's why he needed Kaworu, to fix what had been broken by Gendo, by Eva, by the other hostile Angels. Curious that Akagi would be worried about him, though. Probably just a quirk in the loop, a small discrepancy that made it slightly different from the others.  
  
"Obviously, we could not allow the concern of one scientist to alter the timeline of our carefully crafted plans. You will leave for NERV tomorrow, as is scheduled."  
  
Kaworu dips his head in acknowledgement, and the projection flickers to black, leaving him alone in the dark. Everything was moving along as usual, then._  
  
As the memory washes over him, Kaworu feels a pang of self-loathing. _Stupid, stupid...should have known Akagi's not one to overreact. Should have seen something like this earlier. Should have returned to his side sooner._ "You're a fool, Tabris," Kaworu whispers to himself, surprised by the thickness in his voice. The clatter of metal on metal draws his attention back to Shinji, delicately placing dark objects on the futon he's kneeling over. Kaworu's breath catches when the faint light shines off the edge of a bladed tooth of a...of a...of a small bonesaw.  
  
Shinji eyes the tool thoughtfully, turning it around in his hand, before setting it down with the other objects. There's another rustle and a zipping sound, as Shinji closes his bag. Something in the sound of the zipper, the finality of closing the bag causes Kaworu's throat to close, and his breaths come in shakily through his nose. _Fear. This is fear._  
  
But it is not Kaworu's fear, for although Kaworu's body betrays him with its primal instincts, the consciousness inside the body watches, detached. He observes, as he always has, and grieves the suffering that pushed Shinji to injure and to kill the only love that had ever reached for him unconditionally. (Kaworu is not ignorant; this can only end in death.)  
  
The existence Tabris, who chose to call himself Nagisa Kaworu and fall from the grace of the Angels for a boy--that existence still loves Shinji, even now. The fear is in his body, squeezing his lungs and paralyzing his insides. The Kaworu that Shinji needs is trapped inside.  Alas, there is only one thing to be done for it. The Angels were gifted with great power, bestowed upon them by the Seed, Adam. Not greatest of these was simple telepathy, but now, he is grateful for it.  
  
Kaworu doesn't speak as Shinji carefully gathers the objects--tools no doubt snatched from an inattentive mechanic or two--and pads back to the bed, a lovely and terrifying juxtaposition of grace and lethality. Nor does he speak when Shinji straddles him once more, laying the shining objects on either side of Kaworu's recumbent body and selecting a small, easily concealed hammer from the assorted. When Shinji pounds the nail further and further through Kaworu's palm with short, swift strokes he only watches, unable to harm the shattered boy above him. This was fate, was it not? ( _It was just cycles._ )  
  
The dark haired boy's gentleness is what really gets to Kaworu, though, because if he closes his eyes and imagines hard enough, it still feels like a lover's touch, like an intimate night shared between two aching souls, keeping their forbidden romance in the shadows. Shinji runs strong fingers along Kaworu's other arm, guiding his stiff body to where it suits him. The pads of fingers followed by a soft mouth trace the lines on his palm, the wispy hair on his arm. A puff of breath between his thumb and forefinger. The second nail goes through easier, Kaworu thinks.  
  
By the time, Shinji has turned his attention to Kaworu's feet, the Angel knows what he's doing. Even if he had not lived so many lives immersed in Lilin culture, Kaworu would be familiar with the stories of their religions. The Christians had an especially cruel end for their savior, not only physically, but mentally too. The crucifixion of Jesus Christ was not a biblical tale Kaworu had ever expected to relate to. _Father, why have you forsaken me? Ah, well in this case it appears I am the Father and the Son, the vessel of Adam, Seed of Life, and simple Tabris. The First and the Last Angel, the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. I have tasted the Fruit of Life and yet lived as one who was born of the Fruit of Knowledge. Jesus of Nazareth, what did you do, what did you think in your dying moments?_  
  
Kaworu smiles slightly as Shinji kisses along the tops of his feet, reverent and kind, even with such vicious tools of death clutched tightly in his hands. _What did you do? What a foolish question. You listened, and you forgave. Shinji, I am here for you. I will always be here for you._  
  
<< Shinji. >>  
  
A pause, and a curious tilt of the head. The boy's eyes meet Kaworu's, blink once, and acknowledge him.  
  
<< Shinji, I understand. I understand the religious motif. But...why? Why the crucifixion of Jesus Christ? >>  
  
Shinji hums at that, turning back to his...work. The sound of metal forcing its way through tender flesh makes Kaworu's too-human ears shriek and wail, curling from the sound like a hand scalded by boiling water. He dismisses the noise and the pain as well as he can, but there's something to be said for watching your dark blood coat the hands of your beloved. His foot spasms, and the intense pain bolts straight up Kaworu's leg, causing him to grind his teeth and bite down a feral sound of panic. Shinji tosses the hammer aside, wiping at a speck of blood on his cheek, but only manages to smear it dry, a streak of proof. Proof that this Shinji (still his, still his _somewhere_ inside) had committed such a violent crime voluntarily.  
  
"Ah, sorry, must not have been all that obvious, huh?" Shinji apologizes in the same halting voice Kaworu has grown to love. The boy takes Kaworu's face in his hands. "Hurts, doesn't it?" He whispers, regret thick in his voice. "I'm sorry, I wouldn't if there was another way, but Kaworu-kun..."  
  
He leans in, resting his forehead against the pale haired boy's. "Kaworu-kun, I love you. You are my personal savior."  
  
He sits back again, fingers and eyes dancing over his selection in an unhurried search for the next tool. He plucks a pair of scissors from the pile, resting one hand on Kaworu's stomach, sliding his night shirt up just a little. The scissors blade is clinically cold against his skin as Shinji snips away the shirt.  
  
"I read up on world religions once, at my teacher's house. They were interesting, I guess. I always wondered though, why the Christians would hang their savior up on a cross to leave for dead," he cuts along one sleeve, then the other. "I still don't get it. That's kind of stupid, really. If they're going to crucify their savior, why wouldn't they do it to keep him with them, for always? ...I can't allow you to leave me, Kaworu-kun."  
  
Wondering fingers brush away the remains of the shirt and stroke down Kaworu's ribs and stomach, coming back to rest over his pounding heart.

<<I would never leave your side, Shinji.>>

The boy smiles fleetingly at that. He strokes down Kaworu’s skin, watching the goosebumps form at his touch, taking time with his reply. “I’m happy that you would say something like that, Kaworu-kun. No one ever has before. My mother left me…Father, too. Touji and Kensuke, Asuka, who knows how long before Misato and Rei do? They’re only following orders after all. I never told them they had to stay, but still, I suppose I hoped…” He trails off sadly. “How long until someone comes to take you away?”

<<I won’t let them. You are the most important to me, above all else.>>

“But you’re something else, aren’t you, Kaworu-kun? I’ve felt that way ever since I started. You’ve been able to escape this whole time. I believe you when you say you won’t leave me. It’s just not enough.” Shinji discards the scissors and leans against Kaworu’s bare chest. “We’re not close enough. We can still be separated.”

Kaworu swallows, watching Shinji nestle closer to him through involuntarily blurred vision. True, he has the power to remove himself from this situation, even to heal his human body, minor feats for an Angel of his status. But should he do so…what would become of Shinji? This child so dependent upon his presence, what would he do if Kaworu left? Kill himself? Go on a rampage through the Geofront until everything burned or Gendou Ikari destroyed him? Unthinkable outcomes. Kaworu refuses to abandon his love to a fate of loneliness and extermination, as if he were just a rabid dog that had served its purpose before being put down. No, he would sacrifice his body for this boy in a heartbeat over other choices. He was no Lilin, after all.

“Not close enough yet,” Shinji murmurs, and Kaworu makes up his mind.

<<Very well, I understand. I am yours, and you are mine, Shinji. We will be bound together for eternity, if that is what you wish.>>

“I wish it,” Shinji says, looking up, and Kaworu reaches deep into himself, feeling along the insides of his body, along the spine, up to his brain. Delicately, he severs the pain receptors, touch receptors, any part that would tell him Shinji is dangerous. His limbs relax and he goes limp, drawing his consciousness back to Shinji.

<<I cannot feel your touch anymore, nor any pain. Is this acceptable?>>

“Yes,” Shinji breathes. “We can become one like this.” He selects a slim knife from the instruments surrounding their bodies and presses it down delicately at the top of Kaworu’s sternum. “I want to know all of you, Nagisa Kaworu. I pray that you will let me.” Kaworu nods slowly, his own prayers sent.

Shinji begins with his skin, drawing a red, beaded line down his chest, stopping only at his waist. The knife, although slim, is rather long, and Kaworu watches in sick fascination as it glides just under his skin, enough that Shinji can grip the bloody edges of it and pull away, revealing wet, red muscle. He skins him like that, gently, with words of soft love and praise at how calm Kaworu is, and how warm he is, how they will truly be together soon. It reminds him vaguely of a school lab—cut open the animal, peer inside its guts, as if the secret to the universe is kept hidden between muscle and liver. The comparison is dismissed almost as soon as it appears in his mind. Kaworu is not a rat being dissected; he is a savior coming home to his worshipper.

 _Some savior,_ the doubts at the edge of his mind whisper. _Some worshipper._

They both wear red by the time Kaworu’s skin is pulled from his chest and stomach—Kaworu’s muscle and Shinji’s shirt coated in his blood—the shirt discarded soon after, as well as the rest of his clothes, but Kaworu understands. No impurities must get in the way. The thin knife is thrown to the side and a larger, thicker one takes its place. The next step is obvious.

Shinji hacks away at Kaworu’s muscles in a much less clean fashion than his skin. It’s ugly and a literal bloodbath, but Shinji’s stomach never turns. He never stops. Tendons and ligaments are cut or snapped, and the chunks that Shinji’s frail body can tear away are tossed aside carelessly. He pays no attention to organs much either—intestines are yanked out brutally but surprisingly easily, although he takes great care when removing Kaworu’s stomach and liver not to harm his lungs or heart.

It is around this time that Kaworu understands Lilin’s fear and disgust with the inside of the body. He had never understood why so many were prone to faint, be sick, or turn away at the sight of disembowelment or severe injuries to the internal organs. Yes, it was quite sad to see a fellow human tortured in such a way, but weren’t their reactions rather extreme? It was just another part of the body; they had organs the same as the victim. No need to fear or become ill upon seeing intestines or even bones or blood.

But now it all made sense. Such body parts were never meant to see the light of day. The only reason that they should is if something in that person’s life, whoever they should be, had gone terribly, terribly wrong. Intestines and bones and blood should stay safe under skin and muscle and never be seen by the outside world. And here Kaworu was—insides exposed, with a situation gone terribly wrong. When he felt the illusion of nausea welling in his throat, both Nagisa Kaworu and the existence Tabris felt the ghostly burn of illness.

Shinji’s hand against his cheek calmed the sensation. “This looks awful, I know. But all these pieces are just that—pieces. They are in the way. The true you is deeper inside.” He runs his fingers along the bumps of Kaworu’s ribs and sighs softly. “Your heart still beats under the weight of its cage and your lungs. I will find the real you, Kaworu-kun.” He picks up the bonesaw Kaworu had originally seen and touches its teeth with his fingers, drawing his hand away swiftly when they cut at the pads of his fingers. Kaworu’s heart breaks at the blood.

<<Shinji…please. Please don’t do something so dangerous. I don’t want you to hurt.>>

Shinji licks the blood off his fingers. “It doesn’t hurt me. I’m overjoyed, honestly. You live, and I live, and you saved your heart for me.”

<<Only you.>> Kaworu’s voice is almost a whisper.

The saw is rough like the knife Shinji had used before, but also quicker. Kaworu’s limp body moves with the seesawing of the blade, stopping only once the _crack_ of his sternum pierces his ears. He’s not quite sure if he screamed or not. Shinji pulls apart his ribs with fingers trembling at the amount of force used, snapping them in the process. It’s fitting though, isn’t it? After all, Shinji’s first experience with an Angel involved Unit 01 snapping its ribs when she went berserk, why shouldn’t it end with _Shinji_ going berserk and snapping Kaworu, the Last Angel’s, ribs? It’s damn near poetic, and Kaworu was always a sucker for those kinds of beautiful things.

Shinji comes to an abrupt halt, though, and the magic is lost. “Something’s wrong,” Shinji whispers. Alarmed, Kaworu snaps to attention.

<<What is it?>>

Shinji swallows. “Your heart…shouldn’t it be on the left side of your chest? It’s on the right…still beating…so why…” Kaworu jolts as he feels, not Shinji tearing out his left lung and throwing it out, but laying a hand on his core, warm where a human heart should have been. “What is that?” Shinji asks, drawing his hand away from the red sphere, lit within. Kaworu sighs in his mind.

<<You know what it is. It’s my heart, Shinji. If Angels were gifted with such things.>>

“An Angel,” Shinji murmurs. Wordlessly, he pulls out Kaworu’s other lung with a wet squelch. Kaworu’s human heart beats steadily, even without anywhere to pump whatever blood it has left in it. Shinji stares at the two, the only things left in Kaworu’s empty cavern of a chest. “Core and heart, part Angel and part human…I guess it should have been obvious from the start, really. How else would you survive? …You're amazing.” He laughs then, sick and hollow.

<<Shinji?>>

The alarm must have bled into Kaworu’s telepathy, because Shinji shakes his head softly. “I’m not angry or upset with you, Kaworu-kun. It was my foolishness that blinded me from foreseeing this outcome. It’s just…” He scoffs. “Even now, even in my own sanctuary, even with you, I still do Father’s bidding. You are the last of the Angels and I am tearing you wide open.”

<<It is different for us.>>

He nods a few times. “Yes, yes this is different than what he wanted. But it is what he wanted nonetheless. I will not play into his hands.” Shinji lays a hand over Kaworu’s heart. “After all this, we are still not close enough to escape everything,” he whispers bitterly. “Very well. Closer, then.”

Kaworu does not fear the final knife that Shinji holds. It’s thick like a spearhead, and not as sharp as the others, but broad enough to do real damage. Kaworu knows what must come next. He does not try to shield his core nor his human heart from Shinji. _What will be, will be. And I can only hope that this is indeed what Shinji desired, and that he will not regret his decisions. After all, I do not regret mine, even now._

Shinji grasps Kaworu’s heart and pulls it towards him, disconnecting it from his chest cavity with one quick slice. He straightens up, tosses the knife slightly to reverse it in his hand, and in the same moment, drives the knife into his stomach with the same force he used to nail Kaworu’s palms in the first place. Shinji lets out a strangled moan of pain, face pinching tight in agony, but he does not release the heart.

Kaworu is frozen.

Shinji recovers after a long pause, tears dripping down his nose and weak, pained noises escaping him in a constant stream. He hesitates, then drives the knife in further and up, towards his own heart and lungs. His growing screams shake Kaworu from his state of shock. He arches his back as much as he can, pulls at his bonds, and pleads desperately with Shinji through a panicked mind.

<<What are you doing? Shinji, stop, you’ll die. You’re not like me, that damage is irreversible _and_ _you will die_. Please don’t. Don’t do this. >>

But Shinji does not heed his warning. If anything, he presses in farther still. A shudder, and then a wet, sickly cough and Shinji hacks up blood. Kaworu fears he has punctured a lung. He prepares to take action, his psychic presence reaching to Shinji to heal him, save him from his self-mutilation.

As if feeling the immaterial brush of Kaworu's abilities, Shinji jerks away. “No! Stop, I must do this. I want you closer, I wished of it. You said you understood, Kaworu-kun. You allowed me.” There is blood coating his mouth and chin, an unholy mess of iron and spittle. Kaworu weeps again, but this time it is for the inevitable.

<<You’ll die.>>

Shinji attempts a laugh, but just ends up choking. “What better way to keep us together? Not even death will part us…” He yanks out the knife, finally, but before Kaworu can plead with him to let him heal the damage, Shinji lifts Kaworu’s severed heart in a shaking hand and thrusts it within the opening he created. He cries out weakly at the pain but does not stop the insertion. It’s arduous and lengthy, but after a time Shinji pulls out a bare hand, not a square millimeter free from the red dye of their mixed blood. He collapses forward once more, into the nearly empty cavity of Kaworu’s chest, heaving and tattered.

The Shinji that curls his body into Kaworu’s, pressing himself close to the warm core that remains, is not a Shinji that Kaworu knows. Kaworu knows the scared Shinji, the broken, and the weak. He knows the brave and the beautiful, and now, the daring. But this frail and destructive creature is alien to him. This is a wretched and unsightly being. He’s a sinner and wholly impure and…and he’s throwing up blood onto Kaworu’s shoulder, struggling to breathe against his neck. Kaworu wonders if he will ever hate himself for loving this boy, no matter the form he takes.

<<…Was it worth it, in the end?>>

Shinji takes a soggy, shaky breath—and smiles. “I can feel you within me, Kaworu-kun. I’m so happy. Father will never separate us now. I--” He hacks desperately, entire body shaking now, and closes his eyes. Kaworu sheds a final tear when Shinji kisses his core, reverently. They need no more words.

 

Kaworu holds him there, comforting his lover the best he can via telepathy, in his dying moments. Shinji’s body fights bravely to save his life, but with the mind already set on death, a simple body can only do so much. Kaworu can do nothing as Shinji dies: a brutal, agonizingly slow departure. Fluid fills his lungs while the blood drains from his body, warring factions dueling for the title of cause of death. In his last moment of life, Shinji is neither beautiful nor brave—he rasps for his final gasp of oxygen, his eyes bulge, and his body twitches spastically. He dies like death is relief, his entire body relaxing from the tension of struggling for life, going slack within Kaworu’s chest cavity.

At first, Kaworu does not move. This result was never one that had crossed his mind, after all. When he finally decides to move, it is his hands, pulling free from the nails as if they were paper, coming up to clutch at Shinji protectively. He does not sit up, but thinks, deeply and despairingly.

“Perhaps I should follow my destiny, Shinji-kun. Perhaps I should trigger the Third Impact. At this point, watching the entirety of this universe burn seems pleasurable.” Kaworu drags a hand gently through Shinji’s dark hair, made darker with matted blood. “I would take you with me, of course. The body of a Lilin is simple to heal, although yours is too far gone. But it would not be difficult to sew you inside my empty body, with power like mine. We could be harbingers of the apocalypse together. As you would decay within me, so would the Earth that so cruelly mistreated you. And then your rot will become mine, and at the edge of space and time we will give ourselves to the maggots and the bacteria, let them turn our wasted, all-powerful bodies into the soil of the New World, and pray that our misfortunes and dark feelings do not bleed into our newborn child.”

Kaworu looks down at Shinji’s face, cups his cheek. He presses his mouth tight to Shinji’s blood-soaked one in a long, final kiss. When he draws away, his eyes are dark with sorrow. “To think that your body has already cooled so much—humans really are fragile. If you are so far gone, then there is no place in this world for me.”

The light and power of Kaworu’s AT field blasts through the dorms that Shinji once called home, setting off every single alarm that NERV could have hoped to set to prepare for Angel attacks. And as NERV’s officers rose, dressed, and hurried to their stations, faithful as ever to the cause, they did not see the field change from protective shield to offensive ice shards, pointed inwards to face their master. By the time NERV was prepared to face the final Angel, the alarms had died and Kaworu’s core lay shattered in pieces across the rusting bed of the only being he had ever come to love.

 

\--------------------

 

When Kaworu wakes once more, he is in complete darkness. Temporary, of course.

One strong shove, and the heavy stone lid falls off. Kaworu sits up slowly, examining his surroundings with the same mild expression he has whenever he awakes here, preparing for his next loop. The row of empty coffins stretches out farther than he is physically able to see or recall, and truthfully, he doesn’t care to do either. All he needs to do now is wait for the memory of his last loop to return, so that he may evaluate his mistakes and form a new plan, as usual. Where was the last loop? Ah, yes, before the Third Impact, he always liked th—

And then, the memories hit him.

Kaworu immediately heaves in his coffin, attempting to empty the contents of his already empty stomach. He begins to hyperventilate as his senses and emotions from that time return to him, and he has to grasp both sides of the stone to keep from collapsing. He sits like that, hunched over, as he relives every second of his previous loop.

When it is over—finally—he straightens up, hands covering his face. For the first time in any of his lives, Kaworu lets out a soft, dry sob.

 

 ---------------------

 

Your name is Nagisa Kaworu and you are beginning to lose hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't the happiness I wished for, either.


	4. // VILE //

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not a true chapter, sorry about that. But if you'd like to hear the musical inspiration behind this fic, I've compiled a fanmix, since that happens to be another love of mine (besides writing). It's linked below, along with track notes.

[// VILE //](http://8tracks.com/bromosexuals/vile/)

{ And if it makes you less sad, we'll start talking again

You can tell me how vile I already know that I am }

 

  1.        **Viices** /Made In Heights – meeting, getting to know each other
  2.        **Medicine** /Daughter – the bath, talking together in bed, intimacy
  3.        **Monster** /Meg & Dia – the first nail
  4.        **This Is Gonna Hurt** /Sixx AM – Kaworu’s epiphany
  5.        **Jesus Christ** /Brand New – Kaworu’s resignation to torture
  6.        **Monster (Unleash The Beast)** /Skillet – Shinji’s descent into insanity
  7.        **Degausser** /Brand New – Shinji’s torture
  8.        **Fineshrine** /Purity Ring – “finding the real you”
  9.        **The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot** /Brand New – Shinji’s death
  10.        **Carry On My Wayward Son (Lullabye Version)** – Kaworu’s death, waking up, and despair




End file.
